Monday, July 18, 2016

Counting away 1.

The journey is almost end. Finally, after three years and a half, feels like forever to be stuck here. But honestly, some worth it. The friends does.


But it wasn't easy. It never were. The studies is one thing, then there goes the drama that hardly can be handled. I can managed all, except the one involving heart. I hate to argue with friends, to have conflict with them, i hate breaking up, but i have no other choice than to moving on. I just hate all the dramas.  

I want it to end, i want a new start up. I always needed a new start up of life. Away from the things that would break me into pieces. But i cannot go on without remembering them, a part of life, a family, a memories.

Truth, there's a good and bad things i have learned, i have done, with them mostly. But that is what people said right, it matured you. The experiences, the laughing, the hurting, everything is maturing you. I just wish that i am lucky enough to be strong to endure all this. It would not be long anymore, soon, soon enough.

Oh i think i have lost my touch in blogging.
I don't have much to say, just to express this feeling i have inside.

I want to get out, i want to be out.
But i am gonna miss everyone. 

Monday, May 23, 2016

To have it halfway.

I hate this feeling of wanting someone so much that it hurts, because its you the only one who wanting. Because you want someone that you know you cant have. You knew from the very beginning that it is only a one sided love. But why do you still want to gamble your life on the love that would never existed? Because you had hope. Because you've been treated like you have a chance but you actually don't.

Why?

Honestly, if you don't want more than just being a friend why did you treat me like i am more to that? Screw all the sweet messages, screw the love and the miss that you told me, because that is all a lie. Screw the joke for needing me in your life. Screw all the bullshit. Screw you.

But those words would never come out from me. Because sometimes, i wanted this. I know we're not meant for each other, well thats what i told myself, so atleast to have what we had, is enough. It enough to give me joy, and also the pain.

Friday, April 15, 2016

We want the one we cant have.

You know that moment that you suddenly met someone,
And feels like you were both are fit for each other,
But then it is actually a lie,
Because in the end you only have your heart broken?

You know that moment when you thought that it would be alright again,
That you finally have move on a little bit,
But then again you grew more fond to him,
Only to get your heart broken all over again?

And this moment again,
That when you can finally accept the fact that you both are not going to get together,
Ever or forever,
That you trying so hard to mend your heart to not to be in pain,
But the truth is you heart is already broken over and over again.

That,
Because,
The feelings of wanting someone that doesn't feels the same way,
The feelings of wanting someone that we cant have.

I'm so sick of telling myself lies that I AM FINE, I AM OKAY, I AM HAPPY.
Because the truth i am not.
I am not fine, i am not okay.
I can only be happy when you are around.
I hate you when you are not around.

But i am more hating myself for depending on you for my happiness, for my heart.
I know i told you that my happiness is what i decided them to be,
Not by depending on anyone, nor on you.
But then again, i lied.
Because all this while, i was okay because i got you as my little rock.

But i guess i have to really move on now.
I really need to take my word seriously.
I do not need anyone to make me happy, because it is my own responsibilities.
I may have to parted my ways from you,
Because i need to stop to wants you when you clearly don't.

You don't.
Ever.
Never.

I have to stop this.
I cannot put my heart into another heart break, especially from you.
I am sorry for wanting you, for wanting the one i cannot have.
Not ever.

I'm setting you free, slowly.
So please don't let fall for you all over again if you don't intended to catch me as i am falling into you.
Just don't.