Monday, May 23, 2016

To have it halfway.

I hate this feeling of wanting someone so much that it hurts, because its you the only one who wanting. Because you want someone that you know you cant have. You knew from the very beginning that it is only a one sided love. But why do you still want to gamble your life on the love that would never existed? Because you had hope. Because you've been treated like you have a chance but you actually don't.


Honestly, if you don't want more than just being a friend why did you treat me like i am more to that? Screw all the sweet messages, screw the love and the miss that you told me, because that is all a lie. Screw the joke for needing me in your life. Screw all the bullshit. Screw you.

But those words would never come out from me. Because sometimes, i wanted this. I know we're not meant for each other, well thats what i told myself, so atleast to have what we had, is enough. It enough to give me joy, and also the pain.

Friday, April 15, 2016

We want the one we cant have.

You know that moment that you suddenly met someone,
And feels like you were both are fit for each other,
But then it is actually a lie,
Because in the end you only have your heart broken?

You know that moment when you thought that it would be alright again,
That you finally have move on a little bit,
But then again you grew more fond to him,
Only to get your heart broken all over again?

And this moment again,
That when you can finally accept the fact that you both are not going to get together,
Ever or forever,
That you trying so hard to mend your heart to not to be in pain,
But the truth is you heart is already broken over and over again.

The feelings of wanting someone that doesn't feels the same way,
The feelings of wanting someone that we cant have.

I'm so sick of telling myself lies that I AM FINE, I AM OKAY, I AM HAPPY.
Because the truth i am not.
I am not fine, i am not okay.
I can only be happy when you are around.
I hate you when you are not around.

But i am more hating myself for depending on you for my happiness, for my heart.
I know i told you that my happiness is what i decided them to be,
Not by depending on anyone, nor on you.
But then again, i lied.
Because all this while, i was okay because i got you as my little rock.

But i guess i have to really move on now.
I really need to take my word seriously.
I do not need anyone to make me happy, because it is my own responsibilities.
I may have to parted my ways from you,
Because i need to stop to wants you when you clearly don't.

You don't.

I have to stop this.
I cannot put my heart into another heart break, especially from you.
I am sorry for wanting you, for wanting the one i cannot have.
Not ever.

I'm setting you free, slowly.
So please don't let fall for you all over again if you don't intended to catch me as i am falling into you.
Just don't.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Book review : I WAS HERE.

 I regret to inform you that I have had to take my own life. This decision has been a long time coming, and was mine alone to make. I know it will cause you pain, and for that I am sorry, but please know that I needed to end my own pain. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. Its not your fault.
The beginning of the story starts as the Cody, the heroin of this book read a letter (by email) that Meg, her best friend sent to her. 

The real deal starts when Cody leaves to Tacoma, only to pack up Meg's stuff in her dorm at the campus. But there, she met Alice, Richard, Harry and Ben - Ben McCallister. Ben was a friend to Meg, whom she may have crushed into, while the three of them are Meg's roommates. Cody began to know those people, in the process in knowing the true reason for Meg death. Alice and Richard has always been so kind to her, and Harry, though he's someone who do not speaks much but he helped, mostly in solving the encrypted messages from Meg's computer. 


And well, this is why i love Harry Kang. 

And there's Ben, who accompanied Cody to find All_BS -  the one who may, encouraged Meg into her suicidal mission.

Ben and Cody wasn't in a good term at first, but as she sort-of-eulogized for Meg in Meg's campus, they began to understand each other - or perhaps tolerate each other. But along the trip, they do started to understands each other - for the "complicated and confused in a wholly fucked-up way" as Cody put it. 

I enjoy reading this book, it is a worth of reading. I love to see how the relationship between characters in this book grow - from strangers to friends, from a mother who may not have been a mother to her daughter in her 20 years old life but then suddenly become one, and maybe there's more to that. Also, it teaches you that no one is as what you expected them to be, or no one is as much as you have known who they are really is within years - that's Meg and Cody especially. And the quote, the life saying, is just amazing. Especially to this one, who told you about forgiveness.

 And in that moment, I was reminded just why God want us to forgive. Not simply because its the key to a better world, but because of what it does for ourselves.

I laugh, I shed tears, I'm in awe, I'm curious and all the emotions i got blend too well while reading I Was Here. This book teaches us how to handle grief, to handle pain and depression, to know that suicide does not resolves it all It teaches us life, how to go on after you losses someone, how to forgive, and know that it wasn't always you at fault. It is beautifully written by Gayle Forman, who's previous works is If I Stay. And i must to say, this is so much better than If I Stay, honestly.